Sorry Marissa, I Run From Home

March 7, 2013

 

Super model Marissa Miller

 
Today I am 198 pounds of pudgy rolling thunder.

Don't tell Yahoo, but I run from home. Never run to the office. Never run while I'm at the office.

If Marissa Mayer, the new sheriff in Yahoo-town, wants to see the amazing world's slowest human being in action, she's going to have to come to mi casa. Heck, I'd even make super model Marissa Miller come to mi casa to catch a glimpse of my running prowess.

Jodi Arias

 Mayer, for those who have been glued to HLNTV watching Jodi Arias in action ad nauseum during her murder trial, is the new boss at Yahoo who just told about 5 percent of her workforce it was time to give up telecommuting and get their butts into the office.

And now comes the news that she got a $1 million dollar bonus after just six months on the job.

Marissa Mayer

 Wait a minute, I'm starting to rethink this plan. My running-for-hire scheme could be all about the Benjamins. If a woman with that kind of spending cash calls and wants to see the thunder roll, then what's the world's slowest human supposed to do? 

If the cash is right, wouldn't you, as they say, run for the money? Dash for the cash.

I doubt that either Marissa will be calling me anytime soon, so I'm just going to go run for myself. That's right Marissa, I'm not coming by the office for a jog on the treadmill in the company gym -- we still have a company gym, right? That wasn't part of the sell-off to make Yahoo look good for Wall Street was it?

Regardless, if there isn't significant cash involved, I'm not coming into the office just to run. The world's slowest human has set the bar, however low it might seem.

So you'll be seeing me out on the streets moving as slow as ever. Just remember I turned down two Marissas just to be with my running peeps on the streets, so give me a wave.